I mean, it's got everything you want in a movie. It's star-studded and action-packed. Does it get any better than Christian Bale? The man has reached the very pinnacle of the acting profession, despite looking like the V for Vendetta mask. Can you think of anybody else who'd publicly berate a coworker for undermining the artistic integrity of Terminator Salvation? No! I'm a long-time member of his fan club, so I'm privileged to insider information. For example, did you know he auditions for parts before he gets them? That's true. Did you know that though he has a film in theaters now, he's making another movie that will come out later on? I'm serious! Like, really -- who would have guessed?
I don't think there's another movie star who's appeared in more prestigious films whether or not they sank like a stone at the box office. I mean, how about The Mechanic, or The Machinist, or The Bob the Builder film where he lost like sixty pounds to play a guy who, like, lost sixty pounds? That required major dedication. It takes the folks on The Biggest Loser thirty or forty minutes on the treadmill to drop that kind of weight.
He's got the old-fashioned values America was built on: when he gets arrested, it's for yelling at his mom.
If I can, I'm going to go watch the stars arrive at the premiere. I'd just die if I missed it. I mean, picture this: Christian Bale gets out of a limo, all dressed up in a tuxedo, and all at once everybody sees him and goes, "Hey, who's that guy? Really? Christian who? Oh. Wait, he's the guy who plays Batman? Really? Wow."
And of course there's his comely co-star, Anne Hathaway. The newspapers have been running interviews with her non-stop, dishing her deepest thoughts. Did you know she has a Peekapoo? That she used to date somebody? That she enjoys acting? She's like the girl next door whose every passing thought is put down on paper. Today: rain is annoying! Tomorrow, is there anybody who doesn't like cheese?
Anne's the kind of girl you want to protect. It's so sad how she was emotionally ravaged by her last boyfriend. Who would have guessed a Italian billionaire real-estate developer could be corrupt? Still, I can't help but chuckle over her oft-repeated tale of putting on that shiny, skin-tight catsuit for the first time. It made her feel really strange! I don't know about you, but that's the kind of human-interest story that makes me want to race to a theater to watch white people running around in costumes pretending important stuff is happening.
Yes, I realize not everybody feels the way I do. Some folks are upset that the only black person in the film is Bruce Wayne's butler assistant. And okay, the commercial looks a little dumb. For the fourteenth film running, Bruce Wayne throws a masquerade party, and whaddaya know, a criminal in a mask shows up. Even us die-hard fans are thinking, what, is he some kind of moron? How does that thinking go? "Let's see: I want to throw a big bash in a city with roughly two hundred residents, one hundred ninety-nine of which are psychotic criminals who disguise their identities. Hey, wouldn't a masquerade ball be fun?"
But think about it a minute. Would it be a better movie if Bruce Wayne had a non-masquerade party, and Anne just sat in her catbox thinking, "Gosh, I sure wish I could go and wreak some havoc, but I can't go out without my costume," and she just ate some Kettle Korn or painted her toenails instead?
Okay. Maybe that would have been a better movie, but that's just because she's America's sweetheart, no matter what she thinks about cheese.
