During an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Jeremy Renner recalled an embarrassing in-flight experience that left him feeling a little stiff. "Somebody gave me some pills, like Ambien," he said. "So I took a little sleeping pill, popped it and realized nothing's happening, but something else was happening! I realized very quickly that the 'A' was actually a little 'V' on the pill. Not only did I not sleep the entire flight, but there was...'camping' happening!" [Ed. note: see "pitching a tent."]

Luckily the cabin crew was there to help Jeremy in his time of need. "The flight attendants were sort of in on the joke," he added. "They were like, 'Can we get you anything, Mr. Renner?' 'Yeah, funny, ice, ice!'"

While no one knows for sure exactly how these wacky hijinks ensued, I think we can reconstruct them using the given data to a high degree of accuracy.

JEREMY RENNER [thinking while searching through a baggie full of pills]: Hmm. This could be trouble. I have no clue what either Ambien or Viagra look like, which makes it strange for me to accept a bag of pills from a helpful friend without asking for further information. Well, you don't need a PhD to be a star. Which is the Ambien? [He pulls out two pills and reads one.] "AMB." That probably stands for "ambergris," but I'm against the insensitive slaughter that is whale hunting. I'll take this little blue pill that says "PFIZER" instead.

[TEN MINUTES LATER]

JR [continued]: Why am I not sleepy? And why is Expendables II getting me aroused? I've never liked late-period Stallone.

[TEN MINUTES LATER]

JR [continued]: OHMIGOD!!! I've got a hard-on! A full-fledged hard-on! A MAJOR CELEBRITY, WITH A BULGING HARD-ON, ON A PUBLIC PLANE! [PAUSE] I think I'll go for a walk.

[LATER, BY THE COCKPIT]

MANDI, A FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Did you see Jeremy Renner's erection?

SANDII, ANOTHER FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is Sandra Bullock in that?

MAFA: No, I mean the actual Hollywood star is walking around with his dick sticking out.

SAFA: That's unbelievable. Who does he think he is, Fred Willard?

MAFA: Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to get an erection. He probably accidentally took a Viagra instead of an Ambien and is laughing about it on the inside.

SAFA [thinking]: If it was an accident, though, couldn't he throw a blanket over it?

MAFA: A blanket? Whaddaya think this is, Air France? Well, the good news is, instead of sternly lecturing a possible sex offender, this is the opportunity for good-natured ribbing about erections from professionals employed in a service industry. Sandii, forget about heating the Chicken Pastriyeck for the folks in coach and slap him with your sauciest double-entendre.

SAFA: Okey-dokey! [SHE RUNS OVER.] Mr. Renner, can I get you anything?

JR: Ha! A helpful flight attendant. Busted, girlfriend! Bring me ice, ice!

EVERYONE TOGETHER: HA!

THE END