And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Yes, it is indeed the most wonderful time of the year! Christ our Saviour was born, families reunite, and everyone can finally address the scourge of vaginal dryness.

Luckily, Swiss Navy lubricants tackle that problem head on. Like the three Wise Men, there are three varieties of lubricants to choose from: original, all natural, and we're hoping the red one means strawberry. Regardless of which one you choose, we're pretty sure you won't be left saying, "What the fuck is myrrh?"

So pick up Swiss Navy lubricants this holiday, because nothing says "Tis the season!" like a lubricated vagina.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Picture this: you're on a date. You've had a fabulous dinner followed by expensive drinks, and now you're parked in front of her house saying good night. You lean in for a kiss and she cowers back like dogs are attacking. "It's been a wonderful evening," she stutters. "Let's please not ... spoil it."

What's gone wrong? Odds are you've just fallen victim to the number-one killer of the one-night stand: your breath was just too fresh.

See, you put a lot of effort into that date. Maybe too much effort, in fact. You shaved, got dressed up, maybe splashed on a little cologne. At first your girl thought it was nice. Then when you started asking about her day and wondering what she thought, she realized you'd put more effort into this than she did. The die was cast. When she smelled that fatal dose of minty Mentos on your breath she thought, "Ohmigod, this dude is crazy desperate!"

Well, buckle up and get ready for your life to change with Colgate's new Coffee and Cigarettes scent. It not only cleans and whitens your teeth, but it leaves behind the odor of freshly-ground French roast (black, no sugar) and unfiltered Pall Mall cigarettes.

Colgate's harsh new scent has been scientifically formulated to totally addle today's women. At first whiff she'll think you were busy and semi-thoughtless, but over the next seven to ten minutes it'll occur to her that deep down you don't care about her at all. Before the night is over the unmistakable truth will have solidified in her head: you have better things to do and don't care about her at all. Now lean in for that kiss and see where you get! Just make sure you've got coffee and cigarettes for two.

Also look out for new Colgate Advanced Coffee and Cigarettes, to give you twelve-hour protection against looking like you give a fuck.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

KGBDeals in partnership with Calico Mills is proud to announce the clothing deal of the century. Act now and get eighty percent off this season's hot new fashion trend, Droopy Sweater. It's the sweater with wings!

Droopy Sweater is a bold new innovation in fashion. After they're knitted from the finest Argentinian yarn, Droopy Sweaters are hung on wire coat hangers and left in a barn in Lancaster, PA. There we let gravity take its course. Two years later, when the yarn has loosened and the two front flaps are dangling like dead leaves in a Tuscan vineyard, they're shipped to fine retailers near you.

Crystal Young was 45 years old and had never contemplated buying new sweaters. But one day at the gym the pretty receptionist looked at her Donna Karan separates and thought, "Those are just too young and perky. It's like I'm ashamed of my droopy things."

"I'm 45," says Ileana Rodriguez, a Southern California housewife with four children. "I used to wear mini-skirts, and now I wear pants. I used to wear stilettos, and now I wear Easy Spirits. My body is changing, and it's time my sweaters changed too."

We know you'll love Droopy Sweater so much we're offering a 100% money-back guarantee. You'll smile as the loose-hanging flaps dangle between your legs. You'll chuckle when your pendulous protruberances gaily swing as you walk. You'll laugh out loud when the wind picks up and those wacky wings flutter and flash like windchimes.

You wouldn't wear a sweater that was made for men. So why wear one that was made for a girl? "I just love Droopy Sweater," says Rebecca Arlington, a 47-year-old ad executive. "People see my peach Droopy flapping out of the corner of their eyes and everybody turns to look. I smile, bold as brass. 'Yeah,' I say, 'It's Droopy. And I love it!"

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

My novel bOObs is now available in paperback! I'm not mentioning this out of greed, or vanity. I just don't want my publisher -- a really terrific woman -- to look at the sales figures and go, "I put his book out for this?"

Click here to buy bOObs in paperback.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Science is amazing these days. Everybody's going to the moon. We've got telephones the size of wristwatches. Your laundry detergent probably gets out ink and blood and red wine stains. But does your detergent get out cum?

New Wisk does.

Everybody's seen that episode of ABC's Primetime where a motel room looks clean until some wise guy turns on a blacklight. Then all of a sudden the room looks like a Jackson Pollock painting. There are swirls and globs and bubbles and splotches everywhere. You thought that room was clean? You thought wrong.

Your entire room is covered in cum.

You remember that little stunt all too well. In fact, it was like watching Kennedy get shot: The image seared itself into your brain. You remember where you were when you first saw it, when you realized that all those pastel-colored bed coverings you'd spent hours lounging on were actually covered with the sex eruptions of people who don't even get under the comforter before they fuck.

Well, new Wisk can get out those stains, and if you take it along with you when you travel you can enjoy that $24 Econolodge room without Googling stuff like, "How long does sperm actually live?"

Oh, c'mon! You thought we'd show you cum stains in a motel room? We want to sell you detergent, not make you stay home until Jesus returns. But you know what we're getting at when we say Wisk can help you erase "invisible" stains. Because who cares about "invisible" stains, right? You can't see them! Nobody's going to pick out a detergent based on how well it handles invisible stuff.

What? Really? People are taking this seriously? In that case, stay tuned for new Febreze Intense, wiping out all those household odors that you can't actually smell.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

What is Lifestyle Lift? Lifestyle Lift is a radical new way of making you look years younger. The recovery time is far shorter than with a traditional facelift. It's much less expensive than a traditional facelift. We'll bring back your jawline, address wrinkles, and create a more youthful appearance. Are we talking surgery or just hoisting up your saggy flesh with duct tape? Try to figure it out from what our satisfied customers have to say.

Listen to this testimony from Linda M:

The minute I woke up from surgery I was speechless. I thought my face looked good, but I wasn't expecting a new hairstyle. I was like, "What's up with that? What did you do to my hair?" And they were all, "Isn't it pretty? It's so flattering. You should leave it this way for the rest of your life."

Brenda K absolutely raves about it:

They brought me a mirror and I could barely see my face. My hair was five times bigger than before. I could see my eyes and part of my nose but that was it. The assistant said the swelling would go down in three to six weeks, and I said, "You mean my face or my hair?"

It changed Carol C's life:

I was in the recovery room when a friend came to visit. She was astonished. Naturally she was all questions: Was it expensive? Did it hurt? Had I been driving backwards in a convertible? Had I dunked my face in a tidepool?

Margo G has nothing but praise:

I thought my face looked pretty good, but I really love this new hairstyle. I think it's fun and flirty and fits my personality. I started playing with it but they they kept hitting my hands and saying, "Don't look there! Don't look! MOVE YOUR GODDAMN HANDS AWAY."

Clarissa A has nothing but praise:

My grandkids kept staring at my enormous hair and asking if I kept stuff in it. Finally one day I told them the Easter Bunny lives up there. Well, they started poking and prodding at it, and then suddenly little Kayley gets this big grin on her face and she says, "I just saw his asshole!"

If you're interested in looking younger and more vital, call today to find out if Lifestyle Lift is right for you. With Lifestyle Lift you can say goodbye to aging, say hello to a fresh new face, and toss all those earrings away.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Spotify is a digital music service that gives you access to millions of songs. Just think, a whole new world of music, just a click away! Let Spotify create the soundtrack to your life.

Choose from four levels of membership:

FREE. Yes, it's totally free. Listen to all the music you want, though occasionally we'll break in with a commercial. Like when you're listening to La Boheme, we might interrupt Mimi's death scene with highlights from Blake Shelton's latest disk. We're just trying to expand your horizons: it's not like we're trying to force you to upgrade to

UNLIMITED. Or as our subscribers call it, "No Blake Shelton commercials for just $4.99 a month."

PREMIUM. Technophile? For just $9.99 a month, you can listen to Spotify on all your devices, including your laptop, desktop, smart phone or tablet. Other people might say you're afraid of silence, but we totally don't judge.

ZERO CONTACT. Due to unprecedented customer demand we've recently introduced a new Spotify membership option more commonly called FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP HARASSING ME! For just $79.99 a month, we won't email me. At all!

As you may know, Spotify has massive technological power that allows us to do thousands of calculations every millisecond you're listening. Cued up a song with the word "drink" in it? We can find forty thousand similar tracks, from Blake Shelton's "Drink On It" to Blake Shelton's "I Drink" to Blake Shelton's "The More I Drink," and we can send you emails telling you about every one. We're pretty sure nobody solely bases their listening on the inclusion of the word "drink" in the lyrics, but with our computational power we don't have to take that chance.

For just $79.99 a month, though, we'll stop firing up the CPU every time you listen to a song. When you listen to James Blake, Elijah Blake or Norman Blake, we will no longer text you that we've got a whole bunch of Blake Shelton too.

We'll also stop snooping through your online accounts and updating you whenever somebody you've emailed or friended fires up Spotify. Don't care that your optometrist is playing "Inna Gadda Davida"? Couldn't give a damn that your mom added an Al Martino song to her "When Men Didn't Sound Like Queers" playlist? This is the membership option for you.

Additionally, you'll be freed from the eternal torment of unsubscribing. Yes, we know you unsubscribed from our notifications. We just added a new email category called "announcements," though, and we signed everybody up for it, just in case. If you think this is an annoying one-shot event, in the coming weeks we'll be adding new categories for customer communications including dispatches, advisories, revelations, missives, epistles and communiques.

Sure, we've had a few licensing problems. Like, we've only got one Pink Floyd record, and it's live. We don't have anything by Isaac Hayes that's more than ten minutes long, which means everything by Isaac Hayes. Since we heard some of you like a band called Led Zeppelin, though, we recently added an audio track where people talk about them. Regardless, we've got millions and millions of songs so there's always something to listen to, whether it's live tracks that sound like they were recorded in a field by a guy near the taco truck, or your favorite country hits.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Magazines dying off? No way! Here at Magazine Metropolis we've got more exciting titles than ever. We offer an extensive selection to suit everyone, whether they're young or old, rich or poor.

For the man in search of intellectual stimulation, we have magazines about photography and architecture. Ladies, we can help you shop, shop, shop! Lucky shows you the latest fashions while W explains what's behind those trends.

We've got a slew of titles for the outdoorsman, whether he enjoys fishing, boating, or golf. While he's gone, his lady can give that tired old house a fresh look with Better Homes & Gardens or Taste of Home magazine.

The ambitious man will want to read about business trends in Entrepreneur, or stay ahead of the competition with Fast Company or Inc. Meanwhile, she can get that booty groovin' with Dance Spirit or Dance Teacher.

The inquisitive male can explore new horizons in the natural world with Popular Science, or new frontiers in electronics with Wired. Ladies will be too busy for a hobby after they check out Parents, Parenting, or Parenting School Years.

Of course, life isn't all about building brains. The man who wants to get mega-fit will want to subscribe to Muscle & Fitness, or Flex. His wife should probably put down that cookie and pick up Weight Watchers.

Naturally we've also got the kiddies covered. Your pink princess will flip over these titles:

• American Girl
• Hopscotch for Girls
• Sparkle World

And for the tougher sort:

• Boys Life
• Boys Quest
• Ranger Rick

What? Your kid is looking in the wrong column? Better check out this week's special on Psychology Today.

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

It's not easy being a hero. We can't all break records at the Olympics. We can't all wear badges and patrol the streets. But that doesn't mean we can't be heroes in our own special ways, like giving our kids food that's full of lard and chopped-up animal bits.

Sure, Mom, maybe you'll never feed an endangered bird from an eyedropper, but you can provide your family with inordinate amounts of the liquid that exudes from dead animal organs.

State Fair Corn Dogs have a sweet, delicious honey batter that's sure to lift everyone's spirits. Okay, maybe these tasty treats won't teach indigent children in foreign countries, but they'll teach your kids that in America you can call something a corn dog even if it contains more sugar than corn.

So rest assured, Mom. Heroes come in all shapes and sizes, and you can be a hero even if you can't get up out of your chair. Because maybe you'll never train service dogs for disabled veterans, but you can train your kids that food should be handheld, that two food groups out of five are good enough, and that your family's health and well-being are totally worth 70 seconds or less.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Forget those "Summer Nights" — Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta are getting ready for the winter. The "Grease" stars are releasing a holiday album nearly 35 years after they starred as lovebirds Danny and Sandy in the iconic musical.

The 13-song collection includes these Christmas classics:

• A Gay In A Manger
• The Little Plumber Boy
• He Came Upon A Middle-Aged Queer
• All I Want For Christmas Is A Dude Named Keith
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Rice Queen
• Girthy Mirthy Christmas
• O Little Towel of Bethlehem
• Glory Be, This Hole's Too High
• Oh Come On My Stomach All Ye Faithful
• Feel This, Navidad

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

This month Subway is proud to feature KA-POW! avocado sandwiches.

These green monsters come out of their corner swinging with creamy smoothness. Bite down -- if you dare! -- and feel the power that comes from 18% of your daily required Omega 3's. You'll be cowering in your corner after you're rabbit-punched with pleasant flavor. You'll know you aren't eating just any six-inch vegan sandwich when it wallops you with a haymaker of an eye-pleasing green hue and then lands a vicious uppercut of enjoyable butteriness.

Pound this bad boy to the canvas and experience the satisfaction that two unsaturated oils bring. If you'd like, go for the knockout with a small soda and bag of chips for just $5.99. But whatever you do, don't wait: this special ends July 31. And next month be sure to return for our FEEL THE DEVASTATING WRATH OF THE RUTABAGA! grilled flatbread. Subway rocks!

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor

Coming soon to your local bookseller. In the spirit of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters comes the latest thriller from Synergistic Publishing House:

The Diary of Anne Frankenstein.

This touching, fascinating, ultimately heartwarming achievement merges the unwavering optimism of a young Jewish girl in Nazi-occupied Amsterdam with the unfeeling fury of a monstrous, pea-brained hulk. Sit spellbound as you witness Anne's recollection of her birth.

Dear reader, I can hardly ask you to believe my tale, as I can scarcely believe it myself. All I know is, one dark winter morning, I opened my eyes to discover that my immortal soul was imprisoned in a grotesque, oversized body that lay fallow on a cement slab. My flesh was pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle of waxy carrion sliced from bodies of every color, shape, and size, haphazardly slashed together by ropy cords of animal tendon.

While every nerve cell in my body screamed, I struggled to my feet and staggered on unfeeling, tree trunk legs to the window. Rather than examine life outside, I stared at my own reflection in the rippled glass. Reader, I cannot convey the pain I felt. Though deep inside I was just like every other little girl, wanting nothing more than to drink lemonade and play with my dolls, on the outside I had iron bolts protruding from my forehead and a jagged flap of skin securing my rotting brain in place.

I screamed with the torment of the undead. "I'm HIDEOUS!" I yelled.

My creator, a white-bearded man wearing the traditional garb of the Orthodox, shrugged his shoulders. "Well," he said, "maybe you're smart?"

Cheer to this pastoral adventure:

Walking about yesterday I saw a young girl, perhaps aged four or five, tossing edelweiss into a stream. Though she wore a Nazi armband, I felt such delight at this sight that I decided to join her. I too picked a flower and flung it into the water, and the young girl and I both laughed. Then I couldn't find any more flowers so I explained to her my feelings about the corruption of innocence and then I threw her in.

Feel your heart pound as a desperate Anne eludes pursuers in the English countryside:

I couldn't believe this angry mob was chasing me. Though I was a head taller than any of the trees, and my creator's lack of surgical training had left me with deep-set eyes that pointed opposite directions and a gash of a mouth that continually poured rivulets of saliva, though I was burdened by the blind stagger of an absinthe-swilling drunk rather than the measured gait of a lady and my skin, rather than being scented by Parisian scents or rose-water, stank both of the grave and smoked ham, I still felt like a little girl. And yet I found myself the object of such narrow-minded hatred solely because I had a different name for my Creator than they did!

Well, or maybe because they saw me steal a sheep from a local farm and unhinge my jaw to devour it while it bleated for help.

Last, have your heart torn out of your chest, just like our heroine's friends, by the unvanquished spirit in the new, updated end.

Dear reader, I know not what will become of me, as nowadays even the most minor exertion has me dropping more fractured parts than a Fiat. Still, I believe that, despite it all, flowers are pretty, rabbits are fluffy, and that fire stuff is just crazy shit.