[W]e can sometimes hope that just changing the law will make all bad things go away. It won't. -- Mitt Romney, when asked whether assault weapons should be banned

This little exchange with Brian Williams on NBC Nightly News illustrates precisely why Romney will make a great president: he doesn't tell us what we want to hear: he tells us what we need to hear.

See, we've been fooling ourselves too long by pretending that passing a law that would outlaw assault weapons will make all bad things go away. Me, I've kept my fingers crossed that it would clear up my complexion, and lighten my purple tooth. I've heard liberal commentators say that just that one simple bill passing through Congress would make green lights last longer, and stop guacamole from turning brown.

While Obama has been dodging the issue, I'm glad to see Romney confronting it head on. Just this morning some gun-control nut came to my door with a petition and he actually said to my face that the new laws would enable me to have sex with somebody six hours after I've eaten a bowl of chili, and stop my ass from sticking to vinyl chairs.

I was like, well then, sure, I'll sign -- but then a second later my brain kicked in and I thought, Wait.

Gun control laws would do nothing of the kind. They wouldn't stop tall people from sitting in front of us at the movies. They wouldn't make Starbucks baristas notice when we finally put a buck in their tip jar. They wouldn't prevent us from having to go to the bathroom after we've tucked our shirt in. They'd just stop nuts from shooting hundreds of people at a time. That's it.

It's time to face the cold, hard truth: outlawing automatic weapons would do nothing more than make them illegal and harder to find. Sure, it's not a perfect situation, but there's a silver lining on this cloud. I've heard that after the tax cuts for the rich are made permanent unicorns will return to earth, and the crazy folks will have cooler things to hunt.