Two men who got their jobs through their dad went to Africa and killed a whole shitload of animals last year.
Donald Trump's offspring, Donald Jr. and Eric, visited Zimbabwe for a week in March, and the story they brought back would make Ernest Hemingway quake in his boots. The pair managed to take down an elephant, a crocodile, a kudu, a civet cat and a waterbuck with just a fleet of safari vehicles, a platoon of assistants, and an arsenal of guns.
Above, Donald Jr. is seen holding the elephant's tail after a bout of chopping that would have a Benihana's chef crying uncle.
While some animal rights groups are attacking the pair as pitiful, bloodthirsty morons, the unbiased observer must begrudgingly acknowledge their achievement. Perhaps the most impressive of their prey is the civet cat, sometimes called the "jungle raccoon." Known more for a dizzy amble than a walk, it's very difficult to kill these things, unless you've got a flashlight to temporarily blind it and something to hit it over the head. The more patient hunter can hold a bit of food close to the ground and then hit them with a rock when they approach. This can be extremely dangerous if, say, the hunter is also holding a bunch of carrots, or a dozen eggs.
The waterbuck is also an extraordinary trophy. Waterbucks are like river cows, and everyone knows how feisty cows can be if you try to milk them when your hands are cold. You can use some very scary words to describe the waterbuck, but if you want to be accurate you pretty much have to stick to "sedentary." It doesn't sound awfully remarkable when one notes the waterbucks' main predator is the dog, but if you've ever had a pocketful of Snausages you know the damage a feisty terrier can do.
The Trumps must be particularly proud of having killed a kudu. They're extremely dangerous animals, though primarily for what they can do to your rose bushes. Some African native is probably in her garden right now thanking these two fearless men for her flawless florabunda.
Crocodiles, too, are a deadly prey, though if you've ever watched the History Channel for more than eight seconds you've seen a redneck kill one with a pointy stick and a Budweiser bottle. People for miles around must have gasped in appreciation as the manly Trump brothers fired into the water and hoped they hit something. And imagine their terror as they watched their assistants try to wrestle the dead creature into the boat without getting their new hunting ensembles wet.
The studly duo also took down a knobthorn msasa and curly baobab before natives explained that these aren't quite as impressive as the rest of the cull, being tropical plants.
Of course, one must give some credit to Hunting Legends, their outfitter. They're the ones who provided all the equipment, including hunting and game drive vehicles, along with the necessary professional hunters, cooks, waiters and camp assistants. They're the ones who will drive you out to the "HUGE RANCHES" where these animals live, provide you with native trackers to locate them, and then hand you the guns. You have to pull the trigger yourself, and then write them a check for taxidermy and their "Trophy Fee" while your trigger finger is still sore.
Hunting Legends can also arrange for you to hunt from a helicopter, but that's reserved for the most manly hunter. The backfire from the rifle might startle your pilot, and helicopter turbulence is the worst.
