A spokesperson for the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Philadelphia announced today that beloved Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua has passed away.
Cardinal Anthony Joseph Bevilacqua, who served 15 years as shepherd of the 1.5 million-member Archdiocese, died in his sleep Tuesday night. His last day was unremarkable, the spokesperson said: he went for a walk, he talked with friends, and he was cleared to testify in court about the Catholic Church and child molestation. And then he died, just like that.
Like many of his peers, Cardinal Bevilacqua's tenure was not without controversy. In September 2005, after a three-year grand jury investigation into clergy sex abuse, the Philadelphia District Attorney's Office issued a report excoriating Cardinal Bevilacqua for ignoring claims of child molestation and allowing hundreds of predator priests to continue unpunished.
Cardinal Bevilacqua was finally set to spill the beans about three of these priests when -- bang! whaddaya know? -- he died.
Cardinal Bevilacqua, who'd assuredly accumulated a wealth of knowledge over his fifty long years as a priest, had shown no signs of dying previously. Still, his supporters prefer to look on the bright side. "Rather than being sad," the spokesman said, "we should all celebrate the fact Cardinal Bevilacqua lived a long, happy life right up to the point where he could have seriously fucked up the Church."