Fans of the Rush Limbaugh show have been noticing something odd lately: his ridiculous rants are now frequently bookended by vast stretches of silence. Is the chub Repub finding it hard to fill all those hours now that all his advertisers have stormed off in disgust? Not a chance! says Rush. On today's show he offered a plethora of explanations for those quiet times.

• He was interviewing a mime.
• Some of his segments are only meant for dogs.
• Occasionally, Rush wants you to listen, really listen to your heart.
• Rush was going to keep talking, but he thinks he heard a bear.
• A wise old Asian told him he'll die after speaking 1,000 words, and he's already called 999 women "sluts."
• He dropped a Valium, and when he talks under his desk it sounds echoey.
• He's taking phone calls from listeners, and this one just happens to be a cricket.
• He was temporarily stricken really dumb.
• He's finally realized that if you can't say something nice, you shouldn't say anything at all.