A Heartfelt Apology from Your Friends at Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart stores would like to apologize to customers who ran into problems today at our Black Friday sales. We had absolutely no idea that we would attract such huge crowds after endlessly advertising this year's specials of weed and pussy to the first twelve visitors at every store.

Frankly, we were blindsided by the uproar. We know Americans like a bargain, which is why Wal-Mart is the number-one shopping destination in this great land. But we were totally taken aback when literally thousands of people turned up at every single Wal-Mart store to buy a full ounce of primo Lebanese weed for just ninety-nine cents. We knew our customers would be excited by the prospect of premium high-class pussy for $3.99, but we never could have guessed that it'd attract virtually every man who owns a baseball cap in these fifty states.

We wouldn't have believed it if we hadn't seen the videos on YouTube along with two million other shocked Americans.

I mean, it's not like we're clueless. We learned our lesson last year, when we offered 52" TVs for $79 and eighteen unlucky, slow-moving grandmas were trampled so flat they could have been slid under the doors of their funeral homes. Never again will we offer a big-screen TV for under a hundred dollars, we promised. We didn't want to disappoint our loyal shoppers, though, so this year we decided to offer the primo combo of weed and pussy and give you change back from a five.

There's absolutely no way we could have anticipated the reaction.

Sure, we knew it was a bargain, but we were confident that people would wait quietly in line while drinking their frappuccinos until the doors opened, whereupon they'd file inside and casually stroll over to the appropriate department with fingers crossed that they'd be one of the first twelve. We had absolutely no idea that in virtually every location impatient shoppers would smash through the locked glass doors the second they caught sight of the half-naked hookers huffing on enormous doobies inside.

Now, though, I can say we've definitely learned our lesson. We promise that the mayhem we saw this morning will never happen again. And to our faithful Wal-Mart shoppers, we'll make it up to you. We're already planning next year's Black Friday specials, and if you like Oxycodone or sloppy blowjobs you'll want to put us on your shopping list.