I've got lots of friends who are British, and I've always known there was something wrong with them. They're timid, reserved, even squeamish. They don't have any of that American spunk that everybody admires. Originally I thought all of these folks were isolated instances, but then I realized they weren't. It was a trend; it was the entire country. I heard their national anthem and realized, whoa! You got eight billion people who go to sleep with the lights on.

You see it everywhere in England. There are long lines of people at every supermarket, post office, drug store. It's not that the places are that busy, but at some point in history two people showed up at the exact same time and ever since then they've been going, "No, you first!"

You'd think all the butchness they've conserved could have been stuck into their national anthem. See, a country only gets one national anthem, so they've got to make sure they get it right. It's three minutes of boasting, to mention everything cool about a place. How should Britain whittle it down? Hmm. Let's think for a minute. There's -- nope. How about -- no. Wait, I've got it:

Odds are we won't be raped behind a barn.

Sigh. You can almost see them faking enthusiasm. Sure, maybe our food ain't great, and we aren't exactly beautiful, but, um, we've dodged the shackles as of now. It's pitiful. Where's the pride? Where's the braggadocio? This sad sack little country is seconds away from saying, "I swear to God, you're not going to hit me again!"

Anyway, it's embarrassing, and these guys need to fix it fast. If they're looking for a role model, they could look at America. I mean, we aced it with that "Star Spangled Banner" song. It clearly says we stand for -- no. We manufacture -- nope.

Well, we can sure kick your ass.