Sigh. I'm trying not to turn into an old man. The last thing I want to do is stand on my front porch and shake my fist at all the kids walking by, screaming, "You punks should be in school!" I've always hated all those boring old coots who talk about "the good old days," and it's one of my goals in life not to turn into one.

Still, I don't think anybody could deny that the world has taken a horrible turn. The problem is, kids these days just don't want to work. There's just no incentive any more! You turn on the TV and see some nobody from Bag O' Pretzels, Iowa sing two lines of a song and next thing you know they're a star. Without the slightest bit of effort, the kids are set for life.

I think it started with YouTube. Some twelve-year-old who took piano lessons posted a video of himself playing a Lady Gaga tune, and next thing you know he's on Ellen. Justin Bieber posted videos of himself singing even before he was big enough to reach a piano, and now his fans tear down shopping malls to see him. Where's the effort? What happened to all the hard work?

Reality talent shows were the final nail in hard work's coffin. That's all the career planning kids do these days: decide if they want to sing their hearts out on The Voice or just burp through a tune on America's Got Talent. Twenty-four hours later they're flying around in their private jet, boffing some tween actress from a Disney movie!

I can't help but shake my head. Back when I was a kid, you had to work for singing success. Simon Cowell wasn't going to be your mentor. You weren't going straight from your crib to TV. No, if you wanted to be a successful singer, there was just one long, painful path that was open to you.

You had to pretend to be gay.

Take Mick Jagger -- you know, the guy who was married for like sixty years to that supermodel/housewife Jerry Hall. Now that he's famous, he fucks every Brazilian model that gets within eighty feet of him. When he was starting out, though, did he post videos of himself on YouTube? No. His road to success went the hard way: he made out with David Bowie and said, "Hey, look, everybody! I'm queer!"

And then there's Lou Reed. Lou's been in a La-Z-Boy next to Laurie Anderson since man discovered chicken, celebrating the fruit of all his hard work. But back when he was starting out, could he just croon a couple notes in front of Christina Aguilera and get signed to a record deal? No! He had to wear leather jackets and write songs about getting blown by TVs.

Maybe I am old. Maybe I sound like a grandpa. But the truth is, I long for those days when a singer had to pretend he fucked dudes in dark alleys if he wanted to get anywhere. And maybe I'm a dreamer, but I think eventually we'll return to that America that I know and love. One day I'll fire up Spotify and it'll ask me to listen to some androgynous guy belt out a ballad about buttfucking. Sure, it's difficult. It's painful. But wasn't America built on hard work?