Richard Linklater's new movie Bernie is totally true. The title character really was a popular funeral director in a small town. He really loved show tunes and Jesus. He really dated a wealthy widow, then really shot her and stuffed her into a freezer. He really did use her money to buy off the town's residents, who really continued to proclaim his innocence even after he was caught and confessed. His lawyer was really named Scrappy Holmes, and a restaurant in town really did have a sign that read, "You Kill It, I'll Cook It!"

Here's the real Bernie:


Rrrrowww. Man, you sure can't blame the old lady. I just mailed the dude a solid-gold cigarette lighter and a photo of my ass. I wonder who's going to play him in the movie. Oh.


Dear Mr. Linklater:

Here's a quick note from Filmmaking 101: It's probably not worth sweating the small stuff if you're going replace a man with a manatee.

Hope this helps,
RomanHans