God, I don't know how anybody can take this Olympics track & field shit. Boing boing, bounce bounce, stretch, swing, shake. And that's just the runners' genitals.

Somebody accidentally hooked up the sprinkler to paint instead of water at my local Chick-Fil-A.

Welcome back to the TV Watching Olympics. This is RomanHans reporting from my vinyl La-Z-Boy. Our next event is the Not Gonna Blink challenge, in which our athletes see how long they can go without refreshing their eyes.

In lane one we have veteran sports reporter Bob Costas. Bob is a newcomer to this sport, with some veteran TV watchers reporting that they've seen Bob blink as late as 2008. He's mastered the sport with remarkable skill. I've watched probably a hundred hours of the real Olympics and haven't seen him blink once. Bob's eyeballs must be like dried apricots by now, which is the mark of a true competitor.

Below we have live feed of Bob courtesy of a satellite TV channel airing uncut Olympics coverage. I've been watching it for a few hours now and the man has barely moved.

With his eyebrows permanently lodged mere inches from his jet black hair, the sixty-year-old definitely looks surprised -- perhaps by all the attention he's getting. Somehow he maintains his composure, with absolutely no wrinkles in the top half of his face. In fact, with the way the skin is stretched taut it almost looks like he's incapable of closing his prenaturally-large Little Orphan Annie eyes. You'd have to go back to Bruce Jenner to find an athlete so --

Wait, I've just received a news flash. The Chinese team have filed a grievance, saying they believe Mr. Costas has benefited from performancing-enhancing treatments.

We'll keep you updated as events unfold.

When Pat Boone emerges from his crypt to support you, you can be pretty sure you're on the wrong side.

Well, I'm an incredibly talented writer, and I think your face looks like poop.

An irrelevant artist, a new direction. Evidently reggae is country music for black people.

I'm on the fence. I don't know if the punchline should include the words "melting shuttlecocks" or "Michael Phelps" and "weed."