Songs News

Tuesday 6 August 2013

I have absolutely fallen head-over-heels for a new TV series somebody's trying to crowd-fund called Jesus 2015. The plot is simple but wildly creative. A man is arrested for burglary. The police run a routine DNA check and discover that there is a "specific and positive match 99999.9" to the DNA on the shroud of Turin.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm already hooked. There's no doubt this is Jesus: in fact, the lab has even increased the top limit on percentages because they're so positive. There's none of the wishy-washy 99.99% shit you see in paternity tests on Maury -- no, there ain't even a shadow of a doubt!

Plus, I'm entranced by the idea that the police have DNA from the shroud of Turin in their database. All too often I think they're incompetent, but it was definitely a good move to throw in Jesus. Some smart sergeant must have said, "Hey, nobody gets a free pass! Just because he's the Lamb of God doesn't mean he's never going to boost a car stereo in Santa Monica."

I bet they've even got dinosaur DNA in this database. Maybe in one episode we'll find out that Pontius Pilate has a 41937.71 chance of being a triceratops.

Maybe you noticed the odd religious figures/euphemisms in the police database. I got no explanation for that. Did they catch the Lamb of God smoking weed on Abbot Kinney Boulevard? Did the Bread of Life shoplift some earbuds from the Main Street Radio Shack?

But let's back up a little bit and merge the details offered in the trailer with this auteur's IndieGoGo beg:

A White Male Age 33 was arrested for 415, 459 (Burglary in Progress) and taken into custody by L.A.P.D on May, 13th 2013 in Venice California. The young man does not reveal his identity and is booked under the alias "Christian."

God, that's so L. A. I'll bet the dude who was arrested before him was given the alias "Flavio."

Chris Doe was booked and processed at The Pacific Station in Los Angeles, routine prints, DNA samples were collected from said individual.

I have to admit I'm a bit confused here. Forget the fact this isn't close to a sentence. Why is the phrase "from said individual" there? Because it's been fourteen words since the antecedent noun and dimmer readers might think we're talking about Kermit the Frog by this point? Did anybody suspect that sentence could end with "from Zsa Zsa Gabor!!!"?

A report from Aundergene Forensic DNA laboratories dated June,4 2013. The D.N.A. submitted from the arrest of Chris Doe Male Age 33 May 13th 2013 has specific and positive match 99999.9 to D.N.A. reserved in bank collected samples originating from The Shroud of Turin.

There's really no other explanation for this paragraph other than some police reports are automatically generated by the game of Boggle. In related news, Mike Smith Male Age 27 October 12th 2013 arrested also bank robbery hello 867-5309 fingerprints Robyn.

Now, here's where the plot runs into a fork in the road. The trailer says Chris was released from prison due to overcrowding, but the IndieGoGo summary is markedly more dramatic:

He is held at the West Pacific police station awaiting transport to the downtown courthouse. While being detained he is incarcerated with a Mexican gang known as the Disciples.

The cops always let Mexican gangs share a single cell because ay dios mio, they get lonely otherwise.

As the prisoners are being transported via the 405 freeway in Los Angeles, an accident with a tractor trailer occurs, killing several of the prisoners on the bus.

I pictured SNL's "The Californians" while reading this. They were being transported on the 405? That's important to know, because that kind of thing would never happen on the 101.

I think it's smart the writer decided Jesus wasn't released due to prison overcrowding. Because then all the religious conservatives would be saying, "Damn these lily-livered liberals, letting our Lord and Saviour out of the hoosegow!"

The surviving 13, including Christian, are able to escape in the chaos and confusion. Local and State Authorities as well as Leaders of Religious and the scientific communities despite massive efforts have been unable to locate Chris Doe for questioning.

Really? Leaders of the scientific community couldn't find him? Well, then, they might as well give up. If dudes who stare into test tubes and light bunsen burners can't find a dude, he just will not be found.

Anyway, by now I'm sure you're as hooked as I am. I can't wait for this to be made into a TV series, which is why I nearly donated a dollar to the IndieGoGo beg. I don't need any gifts in return: I just want somebody who understands punctuation to be hired in my name.

So please, be generous. I'm already on the edge of my seat. Will Our Lord ever be found? At least he'll be easy to spot.