As a young boy in 1820, Joseph Smith wanted to know which church was true. As he searched the Bible for help, he read that he should ask of God. Acting on this counsel, Joseph went into the woods near his home and prayed. Suddenly, a light shone above him and Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him. When Joseph asked which church he should join, the Savior told him to join none of the churches then in existence because they were teaching incorrect doctrines. Through this experience and many others that followed, the Lord chose Joseph to be His prophet and to restore the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church to the earth.

There are several billion reasons why I'm suspicious about God's miraculous appearance to average Joes, but one big one is this: whenever God talks to people, he always tells them to build a new church.

He told Moses to start one a couple thousand years ago. And Moses did. He started a big church. God spent lots of time with Moses, and even gave him stone tablets with all the rules. Evidently that didn't cover it. God decided they're "teaching incorrect doctrines," so rather than try to fix the thing he's asking another dude to give it a shot.

Honestly, why would he bother? If I hired random humans to paint my portrait and their first fifteen attempts looked like Pauly Shore eating sausage, I don't think I'd keep turning up at ateliers saying, "Hey, let's give it another go!" But God does. He keeps materializing in bedrooms everywhere, saying, "Build a new church!" until the entire world is wearing funny hats and there's Klingon weddings advertised on Craigslist.

If I did believe in God, I'd think he'd occasionally have a different message. He's allegedly everywhere and eternal: can't he pop up just once to say, "Man, I really dig that outfit!"? Hell, even Justin Bieber occasionally turns up in children's hospitals, and he's booked through 2093. God's calendar is pretty much empty except for that one day where he's pencilled "RAPTURE!!!"

But no, all these people are special. God wants them to start his one true church. All of them. Sorry, I don't buy it. It's like reincarnation: sorry, chicks: not everybody gets to be Cleopatra.

This same crazy specialness seems to prompt people to start new charities. Really, do we need more charities? There's actually a Make A Wish to Make A Wish Foundation for healthy people who just want go to Disney World. So why would idiots like Wyclef Jean start a new charity to help Haiti? What's his excuse: no hit-wonders get discount rates on Bactine? He doesn't want to deal with all those egotistical fuckers from the Red Cross?

And why the hell would football players start charities? It's like they're all standing in front of a mirror saying, "There are billions of charities around, and altruistic geniuses have failed attempting to start new ones, but nobody's gonna waylay this chunky ball-tosser's goodwill!"

So, I don't believe it. I don't believe God appeared, and I don't believe God told anybody to do anything. And I'll only reconsider after I read a newspaper article where a blinding ray of light illuminates some Mongolian shepherd and he hears a ghostly voice say, "Join the Catholics! Dude, they are totally doin' it right!"