Chick-Fil-A Has No Problem With The Homosexuals Who Don't Want To Be Converted Just Yet

I drove around the Hudson Valley last weekend and had a terrific time. Started at Sleepy Hollow to see Washington Irving's grave and the bridge the Headless Horseman crosses every night, then wandered the antique shops at Cold Spring, and in the late afternoon headed to Woodstock, NY. This is the Woodstock that named the music festival, though in reality it was forty miles away.

If you like hippies, you'll love Woodstock. The whole place is teeming with them, aged fifty to faaar beyond. There's a slight tinge of burnout, but mostly the crowd is content as fat cats laying in the sun, still clinging to the old "do what you feel" vibe.

Woodstock is probably the only place in the world where a tourist can run into two drum circles. My friend Matt somehow snapped a panoramic shot of the larger one. Note the "Have a drum, leave a drum; need a drum, take a drum!" pile in the center.

This is before the pair of elderly androgynous hippies turned up -- guy in a dress, girl with a beard -- so my favorite character up to now was the woman in pink on the far right. She was totally focused on her part in the music. She concentrated like she was cutting diamonds, intent on hitting her drum at the exact right nanosecond. She couldn't have hit it four times while I watched. The sharp thump got lost in the cacophony of three hundred more energetic drummers with varying degrees of talent, but her face still glowed with the bliss of satisfaction like she'd just invented Tupperware.

I am absolutely aghast. This week Germany took steps to outlaw circumcision, calling it "bodily harm," and actually saying it should be banned.

Is that incredible? I mean, you can't get any more anti-religion without smacking a nun in the face. Are these guys utterly clueless? They clearly don't realize that some of us will fight to the death for our right to cut parts off our kids.

Germany's Central Council of Jews protested the ruling, calling it an "unprecedented and dramatic intrusion on the right to self-determination of religious communities." Which is right on, as my metaphysical construct of Self consists of my id, ego, and offspring willy. The Central Council of Muslims also echoed the outrage, saying the court's decision was "blatant and inadmissible interference." But oh, no. Germany just had to get between me and my doctor discussing the body parts my son doesn't need.

This is sooo wrong-headed it actually makes me wonder about Germany. I mean, at first glance they seem so smart, using those giant mugs for beer. But circumcision is a long tradition, and long traditions have to be obeyed regardless of how crazy they sound. I don't know about you, but if my parents did something repeatedly, then I have to do it too. That's why I drink sherry at five o'clock every night, and sit real close to babysitters.

Circumcision also comes straight from the Bible, which is God's Honest Truth. These are the actual words of Our Lord, as transcribed by people who wore animal skins and thought thunder was the Giant Sky Leopard farting. There's no reason not to believe them, because everybody who was crazy back then was inventing Buddhism.

Besides, circumcision is actually a good thing. If we didn't circumcise boys at birth, we'd have to do it later, and then just try finding a towel that'll soak up all the blood. Babies hardly even feel it. Okay, they all start crying, but that's probably because we haven't given them iPods yet. Post-birth is the prime time for surgery: that's why I told my OB/GYN to check my daughter for a big nose and flat chest even before he counted her toes.

I guess it's the whole "pointy knife and healthy flesh" thing that makes people think irrationally. I've even heard circumcision compared to female genital mutilation. Sure, they're both parental-driven body modifications based on religious beliefs or superstition, but otherwise they're not even close. I found a graphic in one of my old medical textbooks that illustrates the difference.

So, I beg you to join me in this fight. At the very least, think of your own son. Imagine the snickers he'll hear from kids who see his uncut penis in the shower after gym class. And, well, imagine that he can't reply, "So, dudes, why the fuck are you looking at my dick?"

I know after careful consideration you'll join me in this battle. I mean, this is a Bible-fearing country! God's rule is law here, which is why there are eight thousand people with rocks outside Kim Kardashian's house as we speak.

The Short Answer

Try this: "I am currently undergoing inpatient counseling to determine why I'm an insufferable prick-tease."

News Roundup (Fred Eaglesmith, Jordan John, Johnny Max)

Local

• Spec story on It's Your Festival
• Inside Halton's article on Hayley Roscoe CD
• New musical based on Fred Eaglesmith songs
• News story on Liam McGlashon

World

• Muddy Waters w/Rolling Stones DVD
• More Jimi Hendrix reissues
• How listeners shape the evolution of music

Funny/Weird Stuff

• Mick Jagger: the Early Years
• Pearls Before Swine music cartoon
• Banjo New Yorker cartoon

Blasts from the Past

• 2009: Strange Cargo@Cat N Fiddle
• 2010: Overplayers@Slainte
• 2011: Blues River Man Improv Videos

Featured Videos

Links: Jordan John, More Jordan John Stories, Video courtesy of BluesInBronte



Links: Johnny Max Band, More Johnny Max Stories, Video courtesy of TheLoinTavern

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New Amalgamated Muck CD (featuring Lauren Agnelli): The New Leisure Class

Amalgamated Muck, a Connecticut band that features ex-Hamiltonian Lauren Agnelli on vocals and various instruments, recently unleashed an incredible new CD, The New Leisure Class (through Good Sponge Records).

The disc is jam-packed with old-fashioned, lively, acoustic, country folk goodness. It'll get your toes a tappin' and your hips a shakin'.

This album boasts a number of great covers (Dylan's Spanish Harlem Incident, Woody Guthrie's Hobo's Lullaby, the traditional Shady Grove, and more) and superb originals. The one contant is the amazing vocals (what great harmonies!) and musical talent of the group.

Hamilton's Dave Rave also adds some vocals to the mix as well as some co-writing and producing.

The album is available through cdbaby (as a physical CD or download). It can also be downloaded through Bandcamp and iTunes.

Below are a few videos of songs from the album, courtesy of STCS1








Blast from the Past: Lauren Agnelli@Fenian Films

Links: Lauren Agnelli, More Lauren Agnelli Stories

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"Sit in a chair with your legs crossed. Now, what do you see in that mirror? OK, pretend it is your Grandpa!"

Christians might mean well, but when their brains can't keep up with their words the result can be flat-out scary. Take the website Secret Keeper Girl (which clearly needs a hyphen). It exists to teach girls that God's plan for them consists entirely of covering their hoo-hah. In their modesty test, above, they instruct a girl to sit in front of a mirror with her legs apart. Then they tell her to pretend the mirror is her grandpa.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but as a writer I try to avoid situations where old men look up the skirts of little girls. Luckily, though, bad grammar has derailed their intent. Let's examine exactly where they went wrong with a simple example:

I met Mark through my uncle Silas. I'm going to screw him until the cows come home.
In English, it's a rule that the first noun in the first sentence becomes the "it" in subsequent ones. If you interpreted this example correctly, then, you're not picturing me with a lubricated relative. Rather than telling us to pretend the mirror is grandpa, Secret Keeper Girl is actually telling us to pretend that what's between our legs is grandpa.

Now, is that better than having an elderly relative stare up up shorts? I don't know. Speaking personally, though, it's a heck of a lot easier for me, since I've already got the bald and the wrinkly down pat.