While in Bermuda, thirty black women could finally put their palm-frond fans down for a whole weekend.
GUEST: "No! I didn't puke until I was blocks away."
"It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical." -- Phil Robertson, star of Duck Dynasty and Tea Party hero, speaking to GQ Magazine"Logical." Yes, sex is all about being "logical." That's why Anna Nicole Smith couldn't find a boyfriend. That's why all those insane "Real Housewives" are single. That's why nobody will fuck Miley Cyrus. Poor things have to dress like tramps to try to attract guys. Nobody will have sex with them. "It's just not logical," men say, though maybe that's just if they're Vulcan.
If we're going for logic, we should all fuck watermelons. They don't get pregnant, and you can eat them afterward.
"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right."All the other sins just "morph out" from homosexuality? Oh, puh-LEEZE. Like heterosexuality doesn't "morph." As teenagers, dudes start off begging chicks to go to "third base" and by the time they hit thirty they're snorting coke off Nigella Lawson's ass.
And really, just male prostitutes? Like female prostitutes are cool, but the dudes -- they always use your Kiehls.
Still, I think we can learn a lesson here. Maybe GQ shouldn't take ethics lessons from a huckster whose company received an "F" from the Better Business Bureau. And maybe we shouldn't listen to a lecture on deception from an idiot who spends most of his life standing in a pond pretending he's a duck.
Yes, it is indeed the most wonderful time of the year! Christ our Saviour was born, families reunite, and everyone can finally address the scourge of vaginal dryness.
Luckily, Swiss Navy lubricants tackle that problem head on. Like the three Wise Men, there are three varieties of lubricants to choose from: original, all natural, and we're hoping the red one means strawberry. Regardless of which one you choose, we're pretty sure you won't be left saying, "What the fuck is myrrh?"
So pick up Swiss Navy lubricants this holiday, because nothing says "Tis the season!" like a lubricated vagina.
"Several of our members watched the program," said Dr. Murray Klosterman, chair of UCLA's Department of Physical Relativism, "and we all had the same response. First we checked our TV guides. Then we checked our online cable guides. And eventually we all came to the same conclusion: how could a seemingly-infinite television program have both a start and finish time?"
Dr. Klosterman said he performed many informal tests the night the program aired, each indicating to him that relativity -- the cornerstone of modern physics -- couldn't possibly be correct. "When Maria was singing about her favorite things, I put our children to bed. Then I made a cup of hot cocoa, took the dog for a walk, and did four loads of laundry. When I went back to the living room the fire was out but Maria hadn't even mentioned copper kettles yet!"
Dr. Klosterman tried to simplify the conundrum to readers without advanced degrees. "For years the theory of relativity has been easily expressed by a simile," he said. "Say there is an airplane moving at the speed of light. In one of the windows is a man holding a clock. If you're on earth, the light waves from the clock will never reach you, so it will appear that on the plane time is standing still."
"But now that postulation is thrown out of the water," he added ominously, "because a stopped clock on an airplane is like the Daytona 500 compared to 'The Sound of Music Live!'"
He paused while this reporter tried to grasp the implications. "Many new questions have been raised." he continued. "In terms of Galileo's laws, are bad musicals more powerful than mass or energy? Or is gravity itself relative, becoming stronger when one loses one's will to live?" His face glowered in the harsh fluorescent light. "And then there's one question we refuse to even ask ourselves," he whispered. "If someone on that airplane were showing a video of 'The Sound of Music Live!' what would someone on earth see?"
"Clearly," he added, "Einstein would have shot himself if he'd known about Carrie Underwood."
Still, Dr. Klosterman noted, the misfire TV revival may not inspire much change in the immediate future. "As much as I hate to admit it, perhaps it's best we ignore these questions. The program is over and gone, so perhaps we should let sleeping dogs lie."
When told the program was released today on DVD, Dr. Klosterman scoffed. "Oh, c'mon," he replied. "One DVD? The entire program? Now you're just fucking with me."
Appearing on The View yesterday, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was asked about his plans after he leaves office. “I’ve always thought that Santa Claus is a short, Jewish, balding 72-year-old guy, so I’ll give it a go,” he quipped.In response, Fox News' Megyn Kelly replied, "OKAY, NOW YOU'RE ALL JUST FUCKIN' WITH ME!!!"
In the home of a stranger, in a Sealy bed
the little Lord Jesus lays down his sweet head.
With Joseph and Mary and the rifle he flaunts,
the little Lord Jesus sleeps wherever he wants.
Grandma Took A Shot At Santa's Reindeer
Grandma took a shot at Santa's reindeer
with a Smith and Wesson, I believe.
Santa learned he shouldn't land on condos,
and we ate Donner chops on Christmas eve.
Winter Wonderland
Sleigh bells ring: won't they quiet them?
In the lane, I've a riot gun.
I'm firing away
the Florida way
People need to learn not to make noise.
In the meadow we can build a snowman
and pretend that he is Parson Benz.
I hope no one bothers Mr. Snowman
I've got no problem shooting all my friends.
Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire.
In our crosshair:
Obamacare
and walking in a winter wonderland.
I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
but there are black people around.
When the car alarm goes off,
the armed man shows off
his pistol, aiming toward the sound.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
with every bystander I fight.
May your days be merry and bright,
and may all your Christmases be white.
 |
| FoxTrot by Bill Amend |
Manicured? Check. Hair curled? Check. Eyebrows tweezed? Check. Baby breast-fed while all of the above was going on? Yes, that too. Gisele Bundchen managed to milk every last second of the day, summoning her beauty squad after 15 hours of flying and just three hours of sleep. She explained it all with the hashtag #multitasking. That’s why she’s called a SUPER-model, people.
Of course, she could have slept on the plane, but there's something hypnotic about Tik Rack Toe on an eight-inch plastic screen.
 |
| Click image above for more photos |
So thank you very much. I breathlessly await scintillating dialog like this:
Nelson Mandela has stood as a figure of strength, hope, freedom, selflessness and love, and I join everyone across the world in mourning his passing. However, he was much more than just a figurehead to me -- he was my mentor, my honorary grandfather, my Tata. Since meeting him in 1993, he’s guided me and gave me a reason for being in the tough times of my life. He changed my perception of the world. -- Naomi Campbell
Fr'instance, this is now what she thinks a house looks like.
 |
| Click above image for more photos |
