"We've sent over fifty thousand people into the wild to find Bigfoot," said History Channel president Nancy Dubuc. "That's enough to fill Dodger Stadium. And they have racked up unprecedented records of success ranging from a few strands of weird hair to grainy film footage of leaves shaking on a bush."
While some might guess viewers would abandon the program given its lack of hard evidence, it appears they are staying put. "I think the next one is gonna get him," said Sparky Whistler of Bag O' Pretzels, Wyoming. "Every time it's like they're gettin' just a little bit closer."
His girlfriend Wynona agreed. "One day he's gonna run into a hunter with a cellphone camera," she said.
Fan Curtis Bloowa celebrated the landmark program with an informal competition. "I printed up bingo cards listing the different ways they've tried to find Bigfoot," he said. "I got squares labeled, 'Setting up motion-detector cameras,' 'Wearing night-vision goggles,' 'Hanging fish from trees,' and 'Howling really loud.' When this new program did something somebody else already tried, you get to cross off a square."
The program started at nine o'clock, and Mr. Bloowa's brother-in-law called bingo at 9:02. "I can't believe I won new suspenders!" the lucky man recalled.
The success of these programs has come as a surprise to Ms. Dubuc, but she isn't complaining. "When I first signed on here I thought we'd be doing something intelligent," she said. "Tracing the causes of our civil wars, profiling our patriarchs, delving deep into the history of America's historic structures. But then somebody offered me a Bigfoot show, and I was desperate. It was cheap, and I needed to kill some time. I had no idea that four years later our number-one expense would be Pabst Blue Ribbon and camouflage pants."
She sipped champagne and put her feet up on her desk. "As our viewers have clearly shown us with their remarkable loyalty," she concluded, "there's nothing they like better than a game of cat and nonexistent mouse."
