Once again a baby-wipe user has informed me that I'm a total moron for using toilet paper. Okay, okay, I get it: you love your baby wipes. They're soft. They make you feel clean. Now your bum is all moisturized, and it smells like autumn spring. Glad things are working out so well in your bum-centric world! But now you're all disgusted -- simply disgusted -- that the rest of us still use toilet paper, and you're lecturing us about our simply unbearable habit.

"I don't get it," one of you said to me recently. "If you had crap on your arm, would you just wipe it off?"

Dear Baby Wipe User:

There's a difference between assholes and arms.

One, arms aren't usually sheltered under three layers of clothes.

Two, arms don't reside at the bottom of a six-inch deep crack.

And three, assholes don't need to be as clean as arms, because very rarely does one say to their partner, "Oh, this is so romantic. Please, take my anus."

Hope this helps,
RomanHans